You Owe it to Yourself to Try
Getting your shit together requires a level of honesty that you cant even imagine. There is nothing easy about realizing you are your own problem in life. If you grew up in chaos and surround yourself in chaos, You mistake peace for boredom, the feeling becomes uncomfortable and something you are not used to, so you self sabotage. Does this sound like you? If you answered yes then GIIIRRRLLL you owe it to yourself to try and heal those toxic traits.
Realizing our toxic traits and why we crave a toxic environment is honestly the key to starting our self love journey and healing that childhood trauma.
For the longest time I was on a self pity cycle of wondering why I only attracted toxic people into my life and why I always getting left or hurt. Well Turns out.....I was the problem for myself. And I was also distributing toxic traits that at the time I didn't know were toxic and i would continue those traits instead of breaking them. That shit hurts like a mother when the realization dawns on you. That you are your own problem. That you are the reason you are attracting these people in your vibe. I was vibrating in a low frequency which was attracting lower frequencies. I was a people pleaser, no boundaries, no self confidence, needed validation from others, especially men (that hurt to say out loud) instead of accepting it from myself, I felt I had to fix men (Oh I might throw up if I have to repeat that again) I was in relationships with, drinking, partying, sleeping with people I had no business sleeping with. Always craving a stable environment, then when I would get in one, I'd self sabotage it because it became uncomfortable for me. My trauma response would kick in. Survival mode would instill. The responses were different depending on the situation but some looked like this...Freezing, Silencing oneself, Dissociation, Numbness, loss of identity (this is a big one I want to talk about later), overwhelming depression and anxiety, impulsive decision making (men, tattoos, purchases, events, partying), no control over my emotions (emotionally impulsive), drinking excessively and putting myself into dangerous situations. Can you say SELF-DESTRUCT. That is exactly what I would do to myself. My nervous system would overload and I would legit self destruct in some way or form. Alcohol didn't help with my impulsive emotions or my impulsive decision making either.
Until we realize our individual toxic traits, the cycles keep repeating over and over and then we end up staying in the victim cycle. Always wondering why these things keep happening to you. Why you cant be happy like everyone else (which by the way in my experience is a mask because unless you start to heal, you will not experience true happiness, but I digress). But in order to realize them, we need to connect them to why we have them in the first place. This stemmed from childhood for me. It took a butt-tonne of inner child healing for me to have the realization experience. I didn't have the emotional regulation as a child or as a teenager to start the healing process on my own nor did I have someone to guide me and by the time I was in my twenties I had suppressed everything so deep to the point I didn't even remember my childhood anymore and a deep depression had set in by then. People would talk about memories they had that I was a part of and I had no recollection, nor did I care because I didn't want to remember. I thought I was finally done with it and what was in the past stayed in the past. HAHA what a joke that was. Nothing stays suppressed forever. Everything will eventually come to the surface, and if you don't start the work yourself, the universe will force it on you in lessons and karmic patterns. It's a much more brutal approach and a hard lesson to learn.
We owe it to ourselves, our past, present and future selves to heal our souls, discard our ego's, heal our traumas and bloom into our highest self. We deserve to feel an unconditional love. The way to love ourselves is to heal our toxic traits and forgive ourselves for developing them from our experiences.
We all need to start at some point, why not start now?