Oooooooooo, writing out that title was a little bit liberating and shocking to say out loud for me. Actually I downplayed that. It was ALOT liberating for me.
I was in denial for a long while about it. I was Always coming up with an excuse of "It wasn't that bad", "there's worse that has happened to other people", "this isn't a thing", "It didn't happen to me", "He didn't hit me, so its not considered Domestic Abuse".
That last one though... "He didn't hit me so it's not considered Domestic Abuse".
I think society as a whole has downplayed the word Abuse don't you?
Abuse is the improper usage or treatment towards another soul. Abuse can come in many forms, physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, spiritual ect. I repeat ABUSE COMES IN MANY FORMS!
It is a corrupt way of thinking that, if you are not physically hurt from another person it is not considered DA. Even our court system is super fucked up when it comes to protecting victims of Domestic Violence and Domestic Abuse.
Goddamn, this world needs an awakening on how to treat another person as a whole! But I digress.
I am just one woman, but I would like to get my story out there in hopes that It can help another person. But I also know how hard it is to relive it, physically and emotionally. And the amount of CPTSD that comes from it. I'm here to tell you that you can heal from it. It takes a lot of deep inner work and time. But you can heal from it. Because I am in the process of it, and within one whole year, I can say my progress has leaped timelines.
This will be my longest and most emotional post I will be making. And it is taking so much courage and bravery to relive it and to put my story out there because I haven't told my friends, family or even my current partner as to what I exactly went through and the extent, as I am still in the mentality of coming to terms with what happened to me, and there is always that fear that no one will believe you or say that you are wrong or being dramatic as a woman. But I encourage you to read on, and my Inbox is always open. I do not need sympathy, I have grown extremely from this and it is something I needed to go through to evolve and get where I am today. I am stronger because of it and grateful that I got out when I did. And now I am here to help others do the same.
My Ex-Husband when I first met him was the most charming, sexy, funny, charismatic man.
I had been single for a long while before I had met him so I was okay with being alone. Did it get lonely from time to time? Absolutely, but I wasn't desperate for a partner. I wasn't desperate for a relationship, so I can't place blame for jumping into something toxic because I was lonely as this wasn't the case.
This man could charm the socks off of anyone he met if it was his mission to get into a relationship with you. He was very persistent (which yes, I now understand this was Love-Bombing) and he was all about me. I revelled in it. I loved the fact that a Man was praising me and connecting with me in a way that I had so longed for. I was shown respect, consistency, empathy, you name it, I had a fairy tale relationship going on before it turned into a nightmare.
Turns out, he was just mirroring me. This is a form of Love-Bombing, which is the gateway drug to love addiction. Love-Bombing is a deception. A mask lets call it. This is an attempt to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of affection and attention. They shower you with gifts, praises, appraisals. They are all about you for a time period till they have you sucked in, almost makes you wonder if it is too good to be true. He honestly made me feel like I was the only woman alive in his eyes. Then once you are trauma bonded or addicted to the way they make you feel, they start to change. The mask starts to fade. And their true colors come out. This is exactly how I got sucked in. So when people say "why didn't you leave him?", why didn't you tell someone if it was that bad?", "Did you not see the red flags?",
Well Darlings, this is exactly why, I was trauma-bonded to the man and that's why we stay longer than we should. Because it hurts to watch someone you thought you loved, change into someone you should despise. We sit and wait for them to return to the person we fell in love with because we are in denial. And it is the most confusing turn of events. We love them and we can't understand why we are being treated that way all at the same time.
Although when your in it, you can't see that it is abuse. All I seen were glimpses of hope of the man I started dating and fell in love with from time to time, and then the monster that was unveiling before me. Like Jekyll and Hyde honestly. It went from Love-Bombing to threatening, degrading, shifting blame, criticizing everything about me, manipulating, verbally assaulting, dominating and controlling, blackmail, withholding love and affection, screaming in my face as he had me backed into corners or not letting me out of rooms and gaslighting and you never would see it coming. (And there was the fact that I had my own toxic traits of wanting to try and "fix him" because I was a people pleaser with absolutely no boundaries which stems from childhood as a way of surviving, but again, I Digress as that is a whole other story. But it most definately played it's part in this one).
I was stuck in what is called an Abusers Chaos. The unpredictable drama and chaos that ruins the victims peace and plans. It also keeps their fight, flight, freeze and fawning mode on repeat because it is never known when another explosion is gonna drop and cause drastic change in their lives. It feels as if you are walking on eggshells the entire time. And it is always 100% of the time your fault for how they react and respond to you. It was always my fault for everything. The gaslighting was unreal. (Gaslighting is rewriting events to convince you they happened a certain way and the way that you experienced the event is not correct).
Everything was literally one extreme to the other. And nothing you say or do is ever good enough. Their needs are the only ones that matter in the relationship. And you are the crazy one for thinking otherwise.
For 4 years, I walked on eggshells. He said things that frightened and upset me in an aggressive manner, repeatedly crossed my boundaries and ignored my requests for him to stop, invaded my privacy by checking my phone and mail but then made it clear I was not allowed to do the same without consent from him, made "jokes" at my expense ( this looks like using sarcasm to put you down and make you feel worthless), wouldn't let me out of rooms when he was angry, cornered me when yelling at me so that he could get in my face as a way to control, forcing me to have sex with him or to give him oral sex to make "him" feel better. I would say no, he would force it somehow someway, usually through manipulation, so it became easier for my survival if I let him do what he wanted or give him his way (Marital and Relationship Rape is a conversation most are not ready to have so I will not get into details yet), purposefully withholding affection to get his way or to prove a point he was trying to make. The screaming, yelling, name calling, swearing, throwing things, or punching things that weren't me (but I knew he wanted it to be me) were getting to be more and more. There was no such thing as stability in our relationship. And you do get addicted to the chaos. But I Loved Him. And I thought I was the only one who could save him from his own turmoil.
So I stayed and I kept making excuses for his behavior. I made excuses to everyone about his behavior, and I was constantly apologizing on his behalf.
I became distant, isolated, depressed, no self confidence in myself, unmotivated, and numb. Completely numb. But I developed this trait from childhood of masking what's going on, and putting on a front of what I want people to see so nobody knew what was going on with me. I was so out of it due to my body and mind trying to protect my soul that honestly I felt like a robot. I was just there existing. I didn't feel anything but apathy. And at that time when your body and mind are in survival mode nothing else matters except just trying to survive. This sounds selfish I know, especially as a mother. But I was literally tapped out. I had nothing left to give and I was at the point where I almost thought it would be better if I just didn't exist anymore.
Sad isn't it? Not being able to feel emotion. I remember thinking to myself at one point, "what does happiness feel like?" because I hadn't felt it in so long I had forgotten and I had no idea what it even was. I looked around at everyone else and could not understand what happiness felt like even though I seen it everywhere around me. But I could fake it. I faked it till I made it, literally. Have you have ever watched the Netflix Series Maid? no? I highly suggest it. It is the most well thought out series. Its triggering, but that just means that its promoting healing. Its based on Domestic Abuse. Seriously recommend watching it as it gives people a look at what exactly happens to a person when you are being controlled by another.
I seen the red flags long before the abuse started happening. But I chose to look the other way because I loved him, and I had seen a good person in there underneath the dark. But the good moments were fleeting and the bad moments were flooding in with such force I had no idea what to do or how I was supposed to react. I was conditioned. This man was slowly killing me from the inside out and I thought I was the problem. I thought it was me. I was the problem in our relationship. I was the reason it was the way that it was, I didn't put out enough, my boobs and ass were not big enough, I needed to lose weight and work out to look like the porn stars he would watch, actresses or even strangers, I was too emotional, I was not a good enough mom, I didn't meet all his needs on his time so it was my fault that he flirted with other women in front of me, or cheated on me ( he doesn't know that I know, but I do now).
There is just so much more details that I could get into on how he treated me but this wasn't the point of my story. My point is.....I got out. I got out before it developed into a catastrophic event. I was one of the luckier ones, but others are not so lucky.
He will take credit here as he is the one that said he was leaving me and moved out but what he failed to leave out when he told everyone his story, was that he attempted to come back. Through manipulation and sex tactics he attempted to stay in contact with me and tried to keep a form of control on me. But I kept those boundaries up and realized my self worth and said No. I deserve more than this. It is not humane to put another person down and pummell them till there is nothing left. I put myself on a no contact order with him. Deleted everything, pictures, went no contact, deleted all his family off my social media accounts, I pretty much ghosted this past year to work on myself.
It took a lot of hard life lessons to learn and extreme amounts of self love to not go back to something that you were trauma bonded too. But it is possible to achieve. I unfortunately did it on my own, but we shouldn't have to and I know some are not able to do it on their own. But it's the mindset that needs to change first.
Victims of DA in order to get out and stay out need to realize their self worth. They are worth more than how they are feeling and what their abuser is telling them. WE are worth surviving, living a peaceful happy life, and being open to finding real love.
My biggest regret is not reaching out for help when I needed it. I don't if it was pride or ego but suppressing everything I went through and not reaching out to anyone really effects you as a whole. So for anyone reading this and wondering if you should come out....Do it for you Sis. Don't give a FUCK what anyone says. You know what you went through, you know what you endured and why it made you the way you are now. Let it out Baby. Even if it is screaming in the shower when your by yourself. There is no right or wrong way to let it out. So take that baby step and just let it go. Release it boo! I Love You, I Support you, and I got You.